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name: will baker blogrollin' other sites: |
lemon chicken
Since I didn�t write anything for like 5 days after the �Depression Rant�, everyone probably thinks I just went ahead and offed myself. But NO SUCH LUCK, Dear Reader! I�m still here, as crusty and wretched as ever. Is there a correlation between people liking lemon chicken and being boring as hell? I believe that some foods are boring, and thus attractive to boring people. I further maintain that lemon chicken is just such a food. Before you decide that this is an unreasonably arbitrary and I�m a total ass, let me explain� I have a major standing jones for Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese and Japanese food. So for dates, I usually pick my favorite local restaurant, Van�s. Van�s has all four cuisines, and they�re good at all of them. They have the best spring rolls in San Antonio, by far. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I�m a big foodie. Eating out is always an adventure for me. I�m the guy who orders the weirdest thing on the menu, and that�s why places like Van�s are so near and dear to my heart. And that�s why Van�s eventually became my Official First Date Restaurant. I believe that people�s behaviors around food can tell you a great deal about their general orientation toward life. To whit, people who don�t let different foods on their plate touch each other: serious family �issues�. People who only eat protein shakes and energy bars: gym clones with low IQs. People who are allergic to everything: too difficult to date, I might accidentally kill them with a snack. People who don�t know how to use chop sticks: Republicans. People eat pizza with a knife and fork: major control issues. And so forth�. And you could probably guess a lot about me by the way I eat. I enjoy trying new foods, I touch my food waaaay more than is I should, I eat too fast, and I tend to eat more out of pleasure than necessity. You can extrapolate all of those behaviors into my life as a whole, and you�ll have a pretty accurate picture of what I�m like. So anyway, I picked Van�s as my Official First Date Restaurant because it�s a place where you can order interesting food. You can get shrimp paste wrapped around a sugar cane. You can get spider rolls. You can get (my favorite,) mixed meet in spicy coconut curry. You can amuse yourself. Which is why I was taken aback the first time a date ordered lemon chicken. I mean, you can get that anywhere. It�s just deep-fried chicken with some goopy corn-syrup sauce. It�s not HORRIBLE or anything, but It�s�I don�t know�dull? This guy was a �moderate Republican.� He actually don�t me that he �doesn�t really like to read,� although he enjoys Ann Rice�s novels (and she is, after all, the Official Author of People Who Don�t Really Like To Read). His hobbies included �clubbing� and �shopping�. He spent most of our date telling me about his job, and while I tend to like guys who HAVE jobs, I also know that cubical-work is pretty much all the same. I�ve worked in a plenty of offices. A cube is a cube is a cube. If you�re an astronaut or deep-sea diver or something, then yeah, I want to hear all about it. I think my job is actually pretty interesting, but guess what I don�t want to talk about on a Friday night? If your work primarily involves making spreadsheets and pulling reports of databases, well�been there, done that, don�t care. And his job was pretty table-and-report-intensive. In short, he was a dullard. A boron. And he ordered lemon chicken in a tone of voice that suggested relief at having found something �normal� on the menu. There were a couple more dates like this�Lemon Chicken Dates, as I�ve come to think of them. There was the guy who wouldn�t drink out of restaurant glasses for fear of germs. There was the guy who thought there were �too many gays� at Van�s. None of the Lemon Chicken Dates knew how to use chop sticks. None of them wanted to taste what I had ordered. They all talked about their cubical-based jobs. They were all, in one way or another, up-tight and boring. And on the basis of this field research, Dear Reader, I have concluded that people who prefer lemon chicken over other, more interesting options are dull and/or anal-retentive and thus unsuitable for me. I proffered this thesis to J1 and J2 over dinner (not Chinese, but a pile of greasy cheeseburgers and fries at Sam�s Burger Joint) a couple of weeks ago. J1 loves lemon chicken, and took deep umbrage on behalf of lemon chicken lovers everywhere. Now, J1 is FAR from being boring. In fact, she�s one of my favorite people. Still, I�m only willing to partially modify my assertion. I will grant that I have discovered a probability rather than an iron-clad law of nature. But the correlation between lemon chicken and dullness has served me well in my dating life. My last serious boyfriend ordered sea urchin roe on our first date. Of course, he turned out to be a cheating bastard, but that�s not the point. It was fun while it lasted, and that�s got to count for something.
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