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name: will baker blogrollin' other sites: |
criteria for the evaluation of potential boyfriends
1. Potential Boyfriend (�PB� hereafter) must have a job, his own apartment or home, and a car. I am in general not much concerned with material things, and I used to tell myself I would never be so shallow as to set economic limits on love. But let�s get real: it�s not too much to ask that adults be self-sufficient. Somewhere along the line, a lot of gay men seem to have missed out on this basic life lesson. (Note: if you�re over 20, you�re a man. If you think of yourself as a �boi�, we are not a match. I was miserable as a teen, and I love being a grown-up. If you�re still clinging to adolescence, we won�t get along.) I don�t mind spending money on someone, but here�s the reality check: I work in the non-profit sector. My paycheck can�t support two. As regards the �car criterion,� I have no interest in picking anyone up; I�m already late for everything as it is. Also, experience has forced me to concede that a 30 year old who can�t keep himself in a car will turn out to be a total wanker. I am a lazy slob, but I�ve always managed to have a car. Not necessarily a nice car, but a car. If you lost your last job because of a vast conspiracy, you�re crazy. See Criterion #5. If you are working at West Telemarketing (or the mall or whatever) just until you get your big break in acting/modeling/singing/whatever, you�re crazy. See Criterion #8. 2. PB cannot have more �issues� than I have. I apparently broadcast some sort of vibe that says �I will listen to crap so boring even your therapist won�t hear it.� And in truth, I�m really too people-pleasing and conflict-avoidant to ever say �You�re going to make my head explode, please shut up.� So I end up trapped with crazy-talkers. And since I am, on the whole, something of an introvert, I usually can�t come up with enough conversational content to displace PB�s melodramatic stories over dinner. Here�s my manifesto: I�m not going to be forced to listen to banality any more. Or at least, I won�t listen to it for more than 10 minutes. Maybe. (Sigh.) I have had to contend with chronic major depression since I hit puberty. I have done my therapy, I take my medication, and I work hard at being happy. I�m not looking for someone perfect, just someone who is trying to build a decent life with the hand that was dealt him. PB should therefore have had enough therapy to know where his issues lie, and to no longer be enchanted by them. Depression (or whatever) is no more interesting or special than a diabetic�s blood sugar. Take note: diabetics rarely write poetry about their sugar-levels. 3. PB must have read a book in the past 4 months. This book cannot have been titled �X for Dummies� or �Idiot�s Guide to X� (where �X� may be any topic). Also, magazines and comic books don�t count as �books�. Self-help books don�t count, either. Any book by Marianne Williamson or concerning the �Course In Miracles� will cause me to delete PB�s number from my cell phone. 4. PB must not be Wiccan, Neo-Pagan, or a member of the Unity Church. There is only so much bullshit I can listen to politely. If you can�t understand why the monism of the �earth centered religions� is shallow and amoral, you will annoy me. If you believe that the physical world is merely a manifestation of our beliefs (a la Unity Church, Course in Miracles, and �Sermon on The Mount�), I will find you both uncompassionate and ungrounded. Also, please, no frothing-at-the-mouth atheists. I am an Episcopalian Christian, and I made that choice advisedly. No amount of misplaced rage or cheap rhetoric is going to change my mind about that choice, and besides, I�m looking for a boyfriend, not a change in worldview. In my experience, most atheists have a bone to pick with the sort of faith expressed in the hymn �A Mighty Fortress is Our God,� but my faith is more summed up by �Amazing Grace.� If you understand that, you understand that faith is not a contest of ideas. If you like the religious sensibility of W.H. Auden, we�ll probably get along fine. (If you�re Googling �W.H. Auden� right now, we probably won�t. See Criterion #18.) The ideal PB would probably be a Christian. I don�t want to make too much of it, but there is something to be said for the pauline warning against being �unequally yoked�. If your basic moral and existential map of the world differs radically from mine, we will be walking in different directions. That makes it pretty hard to walk together. No enthusiasts of the Dead Sea Scrolls, the Kabbalah, various non-canonical �gospels�, the �Bible Code,� the �Davinci Code,� or any other form of Gnosticism, please. If you think you have access to some deep and secret wisdom that is hidden from the world, you are crazy. See Criterion #5. 5. PB must not believe that he is misunderstood by the whole world. People who think this are crazy, and this is a well-documented fact. 6. PB cannot have a hair cut/color or tattoo that would make it impossible for me to introduce him to my family. 7. PB must not be a professional actor. Actors are liars. I wish this weren�t true, but my experience forces me to admit that the Puritans were right about acting. I love the theater, but would rather eat cat feces than spend time with �theater people� (a.k.a. unemployed drama queens). 8. PB must not be rock/pop/whatever musicians, aspiring or otherwise. If you�re aspiring, you�re unemployed (see Criterion #1). If you�re successful, it still won�t work. I am a dork, and pretty happy with that. Your friends won�t like me. I think the entertainment industry produces little more than opium for the people. I am no one�s groupie. I go to bed around 11 pretty much every night. This criterion is also based on my deep aversion to people who burst into song at the drop of a hat. I hate that. I hate that more than words can say. What are you supposed to do when someone just starts singing in the middle of a restaurant or other public place? Join in? Sit there in starry-eyed rapture at their siren song? Scenes like that always make me feel like someone forcing his way to the center of attention. It feels coercive. It gets old fast. I don�t date someone so I can be his on-call audience and adoring fan. 9. PB must be between 25 and 40. I am 29. For some reason, I attract a lot of 18-22 year olds. This never works. You may be �mature for your age,� but that�s not the same as being all grown up. Trust me. 10. PB must not be a Republican. No, I don�t hate Republicans. My parents are both Republicans, and I love them dearly. But the cold hard fact is that my politics are way left of center, and if you�re a conservative (especially a fiscal conservative), I will eventually get on your nerves. I give a dollar to every homeless person who asks. 11. PB must not overestimate the importance of pop culture. If you can spend a lot of time discussing the finer points of Britney Spears� most recent hit, we are doomed. I have exactly three words to say on that subject, and they are �Haven�t heard it�. I will spend the rest of the conversation pretending to care, an act which will exhaust me and make me resent you. 12. PB must not hate his own parents. That�s more crap than I can deal with. Unless your parents are violent anti-gay bigots or something, you should have managed to forge an adult relationship with them by the time you�re 30. If you have failed in this task, you are carrying around more baggage than I can deal with. My parents are Rush Limbaugh fans, and we�re close. If I can do it, you can too. 13. PB should be �out� to his family. I dealt with all that stuff a long time ago. You can too. 14. PB must not be a drunk or use illegal drugs. This requirement is fairly specific to the details of my own life. I have nothing against alcohol or drugs per se, but I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, so�well�that just won�t work. Note: many gay men describe themselves as social drinkers, and then turn out to be total lushes. Being a social drinker and being able to socialize only when drunk are two different things. If your every social occasion involves alcohol, I will end up feeling left out before too long. Also, Marijuana counts as a drug; I was a stoner enough of my life to know exactly what stoners are like, and I�m not interested in dating one. See Criterion #1. 15. PB must order something more interesting than Lemon Chicken at a Chinese restaurant. I won�t explain this one, just trust me. We won�t work out. 16. PB must not be a color guard fanatic. I don�t know what the weird affinity gay men seem to have for color guard is all about, and I don�t care. Nothing could be less significant or interesting than kids marching around with flags at half-time. This is an adolescent interest, and adults who are still involved are weirdos. End of story. 17. PB will not identify with statements like �I live to dance� or �music is my life�. These are statements made by people who don�t read books. These are also statements common among nightclub denizens. If it seems reasonable to you that a couple would spent much if any time at the Saint or the Heat, we will never see eye-to-eye. Also, I don�t dance. If you�re already thinking, �aww, he�s just self-conscious� or �I�ll teach him how to dance,� you�ve missed the basic point: I don�t like to dance. Why would I want to get better at something that�s not fun for me? 18. PB will most likely have at least some college under his belt. I hate to sound elitist, but my interests definitely run toward the intellectual. If you haven�t at least taken a stab at a liberal education, we probably won�t have much to talk about over the long run. I would like to think this doesn�t matter, but I�ve had too many experiences of feeling more alone with a boyfriend then I did when I was single. If I�ve learned anything from my parents� relationship, it�s that ardor and romance come and go (and usually come again), but shared values and mutual admiration sustain relationships for the long haul.
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